[***Satire Alert***]
By Peter Darcy
The 75-year-old renowned theologian, Arnold Schwarzenegger, issued a new doctrine about the afterlife this week in an interview for the prestigious journal of theology, Interview Magazine.
“At death,” he declared, “we ah all terminated.”
In announcing the new Doctrine of Final Termination, Schwarzenegger hastens to add that “anyone that tells you something else is a f***ing liar.” (The asterisked word is believed to be an Austrian term meaning “disreputable”.)
This is not the only controversial theological view the Austrian scholar holds by any means. He is the leading figure in the new movement known as “Muscular Christianity”, whose sole goal is to prepare people for the coming globalist takeover of the world, not the afterlife.
One of the movement’s more unusual positions, detailed in his new book, Apocalypse for Idiots, describes his belief in angels as superhuman, metallic, skeleton-like creatures from another world who come to save you from Donald Trump.
A former associate of Schwarzenegger commented wryly, “I think Arnold has had one too many cups of Kalifornia Koolaid.” (The man spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of retribution by the new “angels”.)
The pop theologian once believed the basic Catholic doctrine about the afterlife as the choice between Heaven or Hell that everyone has to make before they die, but he lost that belief long ago due to numerous head injuries in his acting career before he became a theologian.
“Salvation” in his new theology is only for this world. To him, the idea that we will see each other in the afterlife is just a “fantasy”, not a truth believed by virtually every religious person since the beginning of time. Even some Democrats still believe it!
However, name-calling and intimidation are bully tactics that cling to the Teutonic theologian like a suit of fake skin. He was also heard to tell vaccine opponents last year that everyone should just shut up and take the experimental drug – or it would be forced on them.
Perhaps he was just having a bad day, or maybe he was channeling this father’s Nazi past when he went off on that particular tangent.
In any case, at the end of the interview, Schwarzenegger warned readers that they should not waste any time thinking about the subject of death. “I know people feel comfortable with death, but I don’t.”
To which one faithful Catholic responded, “And indeed he shouldn’t.”
